The tile floor was cold on my bare, bony legs. My lungs were tight and my stomach ached. My face and arms were so weak that they were slumped over the seat of the toilet. I was inhaling deeply and trying to regain strength. I had just spent 20 minutes in the bathroom trying to forcefully purge. With no success, I was upset. Actually not just upset, I was angry. I was disappointed and I was a failure. I didn't personally choose to feel all of those emotions, just as I didn't choose to have an eating disorder. Ed, my eating disorder, made me feel these things. He made me feel guilty about eating and thus, guilty about recovery. Ed told me that I was nothing without him. This guilt was so overwhelming that the only solution I could think of was getting rid of it, quite literally. For a little while, laxatives and purging became Ed's new solution for me. Ed told me that food was still the enemy and because people were making me eat, I needed a way to cop-out. But, there was a different solution.
I was still pretty new to recovery at that point. I was on the up and up getting braver and stronger. But unlike I thought, getting braver and stronger isn't always brave or strong. It's uncomfortable, uneasy and vulnerable. It's "peeling the band-aid off" kind of work. It's nonlinear and it's extremely difficult. It's work that I learned over time and work that I didn't accomplish alone. But work that HAD to be done for the sake of my life. And not just for the sake of my life, but for the sake of the literal millions of others that struggle with eating disorders in this world. My recovery was personal, but it was global as well. I quietly whispered to my body, "I want to be your friend. I'm not sure how, but I want to do it." Just like all relationships, it wasn't always easy, and it's still not always easy. We fight sometimes. But because of awareness and my freaking awesome support system, my whispers turned to screams and my love grew bigger than Ed. I talked to my body with love, and told myself-"Who gives a damn if you're a size 2 or a size 12? YOU ARE MORE THAN BEAUTIFUL." Then the ripple effect happened and I started screaming, "YOU ARE MORE THAN BEAUTIFUL" to the world. Inwardly and outwardly, my voice got a little louder, a little braver and a little stronger.
As Eating Disorder Awareness Week comes to an end, my voice doesn't. I want to spread awareness and hope for the girl on the bathroom floor and the guy who looks in the mirror and can't stand what he sees. There is hope. YOU ARE MORE THAN BEAUTIFUL. You are kind, you are intelligent, you are genuine, you are loved and you are a world-changer. We need you. Ed will try and convince you otherwise, but let me and all of the other powerful, incredible Ed Warriors be living proof of the light at the end of the tunnel. The lions are awake, and we're on the move. Ed, we're coming for you.
Sincerely,
Me
I was still pretty new to recovery at that point. I was on the up and up getting braver and stronger. But unlike I thought, getting braver and stronger isn't always brave or strong. It's uncomfortable, uneasy and vulnerable. It's "peeling the band-aid off" kind of work. It's nonlinear and it's extremely difficult. It's work that I learned over time and work that I didn't accomplish alone. But work that HAD to be done for the sake of my life. And not just for the sake of my life, but for the sake of the literal millions of others that struggle with eating disorders in this world. My recovery was personal, but it was global as well. I quietly whispered to my body, "I want to be your friend. I'm not sure how, but I want to do it." Just like all relationships, it wasn't always easy, and it's still not always easy. We fight sometimes. But because of awareness and my freaking awesome support system, my whispers turned to screams and my love grew bigger than Ed. I talked to my body with love, and told myself-"Who gives a damn if you're a size 2 or a size 12? YOU ARE MORE THAN BEAUTIFUL." Then the ripple effect happened and I started screaming, "YOU ARE MORE THAN BEAUTIFUL" to the world. Inwardly and outwardly, my voice got a little louder, a little braver and a little stronger.
As Eating Disorder Awareness Week comes to an end, my voice doesn't. I want to spread awareness and hope for the girl on the bathroom floor and the guy who looks in the mirror and can't stand what he sees. There is hope. YOU ARE MORE THAN BEAUTIFUL. You are kind, you are intelligent, you are genuine, you are loved and you are a world-changer. We need you. Ed will try and convince you otherwise, but let me and all of the other powerful, incredible Ed Warriors be living proof of the light at the end of the tunnel. The lions are awake, and we're on the move. Ed, we're coming for you.
Sincerely,
Me